Resting Potential (The Road to Recovery)
by LittleWhiteTie
Summary: Shiro's struggle with PTSD has gotten worse. His ability to function as a paladin and a leader is compromised, putting them all at risk. The team is forced to make a difficult decision.


Keith stands stalwartly in front of Shiro's cryopod, so rooted in place he may as well be frozen too. The pods containing the other paladins lie in his periphery. Keith's the only one with his bones still intact – contusions colour his body and he's sore all over, but he got off easy, all things considered.

It's haunting, seeing their unmoving bodies all in a row, locked in stasis like corpses in glass coffins. Keith knows, though, that despite a few broken bones, Lance, Hunk, and Pidge will be fine. He's more concerned about Shiro. He'd been so close to losing him. Again.

The pod is mending Shiro's injuries, restoring his cells and pulling them back into place, but the wounds are still awful to look at. His body is a wreck, torn apart, open fractures where fragments of bone protrude through skin. His hair is matted with blood from a nasty blow to his head, copper where black meets white. Shiro was unconscious when they'd put him in there, and the crushing anxiety Keith felt after not being able to wake him still lingers.

Coran has assured Keith that he'll be fine after some time in the cryopod, but his heart still feels like it's sinking. Keith knows the pod won't do anything to fix the unbearably dark circles under Shiro's eyes, and it won't bring back the smile he so rarely sees anymore.

Keith's so singularly focused that he startles when he feels a hand on his shoulder. Allura squeezes gently, reassuring, but her face is just as wrought with concern as his own, her eyes transfixed on the paladin beneath the glass.

"It happened again," Keith says quietly after a few moments, his voice shaky.

Her face falls, but she's not surprised. "Tell me what happened," she says, and so he does.

Another routine mission. Shiro had been off from the get go, and both Hunk and Lance had needed to swoop in to cover him. Even so, they'd managed to take out the ships and sentries guarding the Galran slave camps. They'd freed the Exusians without much difficulty, able to get them to safety. But just as they were about to leave, one of the druids' robeasts had appeared and attacked.

"It was one of those Galran robot monsters. Huge, really strong. We knew we had to form Voltron almost as soon as it started attacking us, but we had a really hard time combining. It just… wasn't working," Keith explains. "It took us a while. When we were finally able to, we were totally off. Uncoordinated." _Without the head of Voltron keeping us together_ , he doesn't need to say.

"The physical hits were bad enough. But then it fired up this… cannon thing, and right when its sight was aimed at us, Shiro had a flashback." Keith swallows. "We all caught glimpses of it through our shared connection, and it- it was _terrifying._ The things that happened to him in that arena…" his voice trails off.

He'd only seen fragments of it, but he'd felt Shiro's fear as he'd been thrown into the coliseum to face this massive, vicious monster; agony as the blast from the laser cannon burned through skin and flesh; despair and hopelessness as he was reminded that this was his existence now, that the pain would only end when his heart stopped beating...

Keith tries to clear his head and continues. "So Voltron froze up, and the blast hit us straight on. It broke Voltron apart, and we all took heavy damage. Before everyone could recover, it charged back up and fired at us again. I got out of the way just in time, but the others... they were hurt pretty badly." His eyes drift to the other pods. "I was able to distract it long enough for Hunk, Pidge, and Lance to get back up. But Shiro, he was still… _lost._ " He'd been unresponsive to Keith's attempts to reach him, just the sound of too fast breathing carrying over the comms.

"We tried to cover him, but it charged up another of those blasts and we couldn't stop it from hitting him." Keith's voice is regretful and bitter. He remembers the sudden shift as the sounds from the Black Lion's intercom switched from heavy, panicked hyperventilating into shallow, winded gasps for air.

Allura's hand finds its way back to Keith's shoulder. "How did you win?" she asks gently.

"I think it was only able to use three of those blasts – using it probably drained too much of its energy – and it wasn't nearly as bad without those. Its physical strikes were easier to avoid if we approached from behind, and its armour was weaker around its joints. So Lance and I took turns distracting it and striking at its weak points from behind while Hunk and Pidge guarded Shiro. Took a while, but we eventually got it down. We thought it was over, but then…"

"It self-destructed," Allura fills in, and Keith nods. They had seen it coming, the light on its chest blinking in obvious warning, but Shiro still wasn't moving. So they'd sheltered Shiro as best they could, their Lions taking the brunt of the force. Luckily, they hadn't been too close to the explosion, but on top of the heavy damage they'd taken during the fight, it had left them seriously injured and incapacitated. Allura and Coran had found them like that.

Silence settles around them, and they stay quiet for a few long moments. He knows from the look on her face, from the way she subtly chews at her lip, that she's wondering the same thing: _where do we go from here_? Because this is strike three.

The previous two missions had also gone badly. On their last mission, Shiro'd had another flashback in the middle of fighting sentries and had been severely injured. Keith had impulsively gone after him, worried that he might be in danger, and had gotten there just in time. And just days before that, on a recon mission, Shiro had frozen up, and their position had been compromised. They'd been able to improvise and recover, but it had been close.

"He's been getting worse," she states quietly, and Keith knows it all too well. It's not just the missions. He freezes up during training increasingly often and his reaction time has slowed. He misses obvious things when they're planning or even just conversing; he barely sleeps anymore. He's constantly on edge and he's running on fumes. _'I'm fine,'_ he always tells them, but he's not doing well at all. Keith can't remember the last time he saw him genuinely smile.

"…So what do we do?" Keith asks her.

Allura looks sad but resolute. "What we have to," she says. Keith's shoulders slump a little – he knows what needs to be done – but he nods; they're in agreement. "This can't go on."

-v-V-v-

"We need to talk."

There are parts of being a leader that Allura hates, and this is one of them.

Shiro's just finished apologizing to her, to all of them, for what happened out there. They tried to tell him in every way possible that it wasn't his fault, but of course he's still drowning in guilt. Now it's just the two of them, and the room seems way too big. There's too much space between them.

He looks so worn and tired and sad and scared. She wants to put this off, wait until a better time, but there won't be a better time. The exhaustion he wears seems etched into his skin.

He looks at her with those long-lashed, weary eyes, waiting for her to speak. Her voice is too loud in the empty room.

"I'll start by reiterating what everyone else has said: what happened wasn't your fault. None of this is your fault. But… I'm worried about you, Shiro. We all are." She tries to swallow the lump in her throat. "It's been concerning me for quite some time now. You know as well as I do that the previous few missions have not gone particularly well. …But this time, it wasn't just you who got hurt."

He closes his eyes, guilt swallowing him whole. "I know," he whispers.

"And I… I can't lose you. Any of you. I'll do what I must to protect you." She tries to push down her tangled emotions, tries to steady her voice as she keeps going.

"You've been through so much, Shiro, so much more than anyone should ever have to go through. But despite that, we've put so much on your shoulders, asked you to lead us in this brutal war in the face of impossible odds, and all without a moment's rest. You've handled that burden so well, so selflessly... But you're not well, Shiro, and we can't ask this of you any longer."

He's quiet, and she can't read his expression. "I've spoken with the other paladins, and they all agree. You need time to recover. So for the time being, Keith will take up leadership of Voltron as the pilot of the Black Lion again, and I will be flying the Red Lion. We can reinstate you later, if you wish, if and when you're ready to do so. But for now, you're relieved of your duty as a paladin."

She's worried about how he'll react. She steels herself, prepared to argue or try to appease him. But while a myriad of emotions flicker across his face, the one that settles is relief. "Alright," he finally says, eyes closed in acceptance.

Allura closes the space between them, wrapping her arms around him and holding him tightly. He holds her back, his breath warm against her hair. "Thank you," he breathes.

-v-V-v-

Earth is just the same as when they left it. It's kind of nice to see familiar ground, Keith supposes, but he's not all that excited by it – not nearly the way Lance, Hunk, and Pidge were before taking off to go see their families, and not like Allura is right now as she takes in every aspect of the world her paladins call home with wide-eyed wonder.

Keith can't get a read on Shiro. Is he excited to be home? Sad? Keith's not sure, and he doesn't feel like asking – either way, it won't make a difference. He's glad that Shiro will be getting treatment and will be free from the stress and danger of fighting the Galra, but Keith's going to miss him more than he can say. His heart aches at the prospect of him leaving. For now, though, he'll enjoy their day on Earth together.

Pidge had suggested seeing if her mom could get Shiro in with a psychiatrist – she's apparently well connected - and sure enough, shortly after being reunited, the Holts had gotten to work and arranged for an appointment with a reputable psychiatrist later that day.

So while the other paladins spend some much needed time with their families, Keith and Allura accompany Shiro. He's as close as either of them has to family on Earth.

"What's this?" Allura whispers excitedly as they board the monorail.

"Public transit," Keith answers dully, his voice nowhere near as eager as hers. "There isn't exactly a place for us to park a pod in the middle of the city, and it'd attract way too much attention."

They're trying to be as inconspicuous as possible, not wanting to draw attention to Shiro's return. The world still thinks he's dead, and he's famous enough that some people will recognize his face - the face of the young man who'd tragically crashed on the Kerberos mission and brought his crew down with him. Shiro keeps his voice low and the hood of his jacket up, sleeves and gloves covering any trace of metal.

Allura's bright eyes dart this way and that, and she asks Keith about every single thing they pass on their way into the city. She's shifted her ears to match theirs and she's dressed in clothes that could pass as slightly eccentric Terran fashion, but her unbridled enthusiasm is entirely out of place amidst the commuters. Keith asks her to take it down a few notches, but she just asks with far too much interest what a 'notch' is. It's a bit much for Keith, and annoyance is starting to set in, but Shiro watches quietly with what almost looks like amusement on his face, and so it's worth it.

They get off the monorail when they reach the heart of the city, where the psychiatrist's office is located. They have a few hours to kill before the appointment, so to Allura's delight, Shiro suggests they show her around the city. It's not like Keith has any better ideas, and so they do.

They go shopping – it's not like Keith's using the small amount of money in his bank account, so they might as well spend it; they go to the park – Keith realizes he missed Earth's flora and fauna more than he thought; and they get lunch – he does miss Earth's food, and each bite is like a little slice of heaven.

Soon enough, the appointment draws near. They make their way through the streets to the address indicated by Pidge. (Allura is fascinated by the building numbers and street names and intersections – such a strange way of navigating.)

They reach their destination, a tall building made of glass, and Keith and Allura settle down on the steps out front.

"Ready, Sven?" Keith asks, a smirk playing on his lips. They didn't want to use Shiro's real name, so Pidge's mother had made an appointment for him this afternoon under the name Sven Holgersson. Keith wonders if coming up with strange aliases is genetic.

Shiro rolls his eyes slightly, but his expression is fond.

He looks calm enough, but Keith knows how difficult this is going to be for him; he knows how hard it is to open up about his emotions or show any sign of perceived weakness. Keith's not sure if he could go through with it himself. But this is Shiro – brave, determined, dedicated Shiro – so he knows that he'll try, uncomfortable as it may be. Keith gives his hand a squeeze. _You've got this._

"We'll be waiting right here," Allura assures Shiro.

Shiro gives them a nod and a slight smile. "See you soon," he says, and he heads inside.

-v-V-v-

Shiro's well versed in half-truths. Which is good, because as messed up in the head as he might be, he's not experiencing psychosis, and he knows he'd come across as delusional if he told them everything.

So he doesn't tell the psychiatrist exactly what happened. He tries his best to be truthful, though, about how he's been affected and how he feels. It's hard letting his guard down and giving voice to the struggles he's tried to hold back for so long, but it's for the best. It's necessary for a proper diagnosis. And while the label – _posttraumatic stress disorder_ – makes it impossible for him to pretend that nothing's wrong, it's good to have affirmation that he's not alone in how his trauma has affected him and to know that it can be treated. With the right help, it's possible to move forward.

He walks away from the appointment with validation, options for treatment, and a made up mind.

The most important factor in recovery is having support from others, and the people best able to provide that to him aren't on Earth. Shiro does have people he loves here, but he can't be honest with them, not entirely. And he's not sure he could handle them realizing he's not dead, having already mourned for him once, only to see the broken, damaged monster he's become, unable to explain any of it.

He doesn't have to live through lies around the team. Unlike anyone back on Earth, they know who he is now, not just who he was before all of this, and they can understand what he's been through. He's come to rely on them, his second space family.

Besides, he can't stay here on Earth doing nothing, not when he knows what's happening out there. He might not be able to partake in battles, but there are still ways in which he can help.

When he meets back up with Keith and Allura, he gives them a brief summary of what was discussed during the appointment and then he tells them his decision. "I don't want to stay on Earth. Regardless of what happened out there, I'm at home when I'm in space. I want to stay with you, if you'll have me."

Allura's eyes light up. "Of course we will," she says, affection and joy spilling from her voice.

"You're sure?" Keith asks, but he's positively beaming.

"Absolutely," he says with a small smile. Warmth fills him as the expressions on their faces remind him that they care for him as much as he cares for them.

"Then let's go get what you need," Allura says, linking her arm with his, Keith close by on his other side. They head out to get supplies and enjoy their last hours on Earth.

-v-V-v-

They return to the Castle with a variety of medications and different virtual therapy series to try.

Most places in the world have full drug coverage these days, but medications are controlled and given in limited quantities. Luckily, the pharmacist had recognized Takashi Shirogane - he thought he'd died in that crash, but he was glad to see he survived. Shiro told the pharmacist that he'd like to keep it quiet but he's actually headed back out into space for a while, so the pharmacist agreed to give him a year's worth of each of the medications - he can just return the ones that don't work out when he comes back to Earth.

Since Shiro told the psychiatrist that he wouldn't be available to return for follow-up appointments – he's from out of town – she provided Shiro with directions to give to a supervising physician outlining how to approach the medications. They're a bit complicated and require some medical knowledge, but Coran has had some medical training. He'll supervise Shiro's medication plan and adapt it as necessary.

The virtual therapy series were easier to acquire than the drugs, available online to the general public, and so they'd downloaded all the ones that had been rated as effective, knowing Pidge would easily be able to integrate the primitive Earth technology with that of the Castle. Though the virtual sessions aren't face-to-face with a therapist, many of them still involve personal connection, designed so that a friend or family member can help with the more interactive parts. Allura's offered to work through it with him. She may not be affected by it in the same way, but she has experienced trauma at the hands of the Galra. She comes from a place of understanding.

The other paladins are energized and happy after spending time with their families, and when they return to the Castle, they're delighted to find Shiro's still with them. Their excitement and good humour fill Shiro with warmth, and he knows he's made the right decision. Together, they leave their pale blue dot behind and return to where they're needed.

-v-V-v-

The paladins keep the days as stress-free for Shiro as possible so he can focus on getting better. Shiro's not to participate in any of the missions, and while they don't keep him entirely out of the loop, he's there strictly as an observer when they're strategizing and making decisions.

It's not easy for Shiro to sit back and refrain from participating, but he trusts them. Keith's really come into his own as a leader. While Shiro had always known he was capable, he'd never really gotten a chance to see it for himself before. Seeing Keith interact with the other members of the team, playing to each of their strengths and getting them to work together, fills Shiro with pride. Keith's decisions are bold and sometimes divisive, but he gets results and he cares for his teammates, and that's what matters in this war. The paladins are in good hands.

Allura sits with Shiro through one of the therapy modules every afternoon. He feels uncomfortable at first, he's a fairly private person and has never been one to share his pain, but she's patient and understanding, and slowly he lets himself open up. The sessions aren't easy, often forcing him to confront his trauma and dark thoughts, and they leave him mentally and emotionally drained. But Allura is there for him, a beacon of light to guide him through the overwhelming darkness. She holds him when he needs physical contact, respects his distance when he doesn't, and on the more difficult days stays with him until his tears run dry.

He checks in with Coran each evening. He feels awkward opening up to Coran too, having to report each flashback, each nightmare, each panic attack. He has to report his anxiety levels, which are more often than not through the roof, and he has to tell him about any and all side effects from the medications. Coran is professional and nonjudgemental, though, and he uses the information he shares with him to assess the efficacy of the medications, changing the combination of drugs he's on and adjusting the dosage as needed.

The rest of the time, though he's no longer an active paladin, Shiro's able to keep busy. Coran has him helping out with things around the Castle, maintenance and cleaning and the like, but he also spends time with the others and acquires new skills.

While the paladins have their own training, he still helps them with combat practice. Distracted as he may be, he's still better trained in hand-to-hand combat than any of them, and he's still got a lot he can teach them. As an outside observer he's better able to focus on the others' learning, and he looks for ways in which he can help each of them improve. He enjoys coaching the others, and it's a reminder that his experience in the arena can be put towards something good.

He trains with all of the paladins, but he spends extra time training with Keith. Whether it's sparring, using the simulator, or just working out, he gets plenty of exercise. It helps considerably with his stress and anxiety, and increasing the speed of his heart rate and breathing on his own terms is a welcome change. There are times when he freezes up, but it's a safe space for it to happen in, and Keith keeps him grounded. Keith's competitive nature and persistence keep him working hard, and it feels good to be able to push himself.

He knows the basics of maintenance, but Hunk and Pidge teach him more about it so he can help with upkeep and repair of the Lions. They teach him everything they've learned so far about the Lions, the mechanisms they've inferred and what they still don't know. Shiro's a quick study. Soon, he's working with the two of them to test their theories about how the Lions work, and eventually, they're working together to design potential upgrades.

Pidge teaches him about programming and hacking. Learning coding is like learning another language, and soon enough he's fluent. While he's not to help with anything mission-related, he can help her with things that aren't time sensitive or under pressure. Together, they work on designing Rover 2.0: smarter, stronger, and sleeker than before.

Hunk shows Shiro around the kitchen. He teaches him how to identify food sources on alien planets, matching plants to an intergalactic database to determine which properties are compatible with human physiology and which to avoid. He teaches him about cooking – while Shiro knows the basics, Hunk teaches him proper techniques, how to blend flavours together, how to season things just right. So Shiro gathers food and makes meals for the others, which is much appreciated when the alternatives are food goo or Coran's cooking. He learns how to substitute ingredients to match tastes and textures, so when the others begin to miss Earth, he makes pancakes for breakfast or hot chocolate for dessert, and it's all a little more bearable.

Shiro's always been an overachiever, a doer, always busy with something or another, so Lance helps him to relax, setting aside time each day just to hang out. When Lance asks Allura and Coran about Altean recreation and leisure, it turns out there are many parts of the Castle they haven't explored, and they find all sorts of activities to try out. There's a rec room with various games (sometimes they try to learn the rules, sometimes they just make them up as they go), a theatre featuring weird and wonderful Altean films and virtual plays, a studio with all sorts of materials that can be used to make art, a music room with an assortment of unusual instruments to play, a steam room and something like a swimming pool, and that's just one wing of the Castle. After a while, relaxing comes more easily to Shiro. The other paladins join in, and downtime with Shiro becomes an evening ritual.

Even when they're not doing anything in particular, the others make a concentrated effort to just be around him during the day. They'll settle down and hang out if he's not busy, or they'll find something to do in whatever room he's in, or they'll do work or read on a couch nearby. It's a thoughtful gesture, and it's helpful to have someone around when he has panic attacks or flashbacks. Not needing much sleep, Allura stays close to his side during the night, and she's there to calm him down when he wakes from his nightmares.

They all make it very clear to Shiro that they're there to help him through this, and it makes all the difference in the universe. They remind him everyday that he's still a part of their team; he's still a part of their family.

Now that some of the pressure on him has been lifted, he realizes just how much stress his system was under. The constant fight-or-flight response he experienced was far from healthy, and in combination with the stress of leading the team in an intergalactic war, the panic he endured on a daily basis, his inability to sleep, and the fear of his state of mind endangering the others, it's no wonder he wasn't doing well. But now his situation is better, and he begins to heal.

It gets worse before it gets better. It takes some time to adjust to his new role. Confronting his trauma during some of the therapy sessions is painful and difficult, and sometimes it feels like it exacerbates his symptoms. The medication balance is a precarious guessing game, and some of the drugs wreak havoc on his system. It's an arduous journey, a different kind of battle.

But over time, with patience and effort, the treatments start to take effect. He's better equipped to deal with his flashbacks and panic attacks, able to control his thoughts and calm his body. He starts to sleep again, less scared to close his eyes and not as disturbed by nightmares. He's less on edge and he smiles more readily. He's still recovering, but he has hope now that it will get better.

He watches the others train sometimes, and he feels nothing but pride as they find their new rhythm. Maybe someday he'll be out on the front line again, maybe he'll lead them in their fight to defend the universe, but for now, it's time to rest.


End file.
